Everything's Not Fine
by Evil Sapphyre
Summary: Shepard deals with the aftermath of the taking down the Collectors. Because sometimes Shepard is angry, and love is complicated.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Alexis Shepard straightened the black knit top as she regarded herself in the mirror. Blonde hair, tucked behind her ears, on the verge of being too long for regulation. Just the hint of make-up, enough to cover the dark stains under her eyes and a touch of lip gloss. Non-descript black clothing, shirt, pants, boots – the only items on board that fit her that were embroidered with _that_ symbol. No, these clothes were better, even if there was no real place to hide a sidearm. _You're going to be in the middle of an Alliance district on the Citadel. You won't need a gun._ The mental reminder did little to reassure her. She'd feel better with a gun, but Hackett would frown on that.

_I'm pulling strings to try and get you reinstated. I need you to get checked out so I can get you working for us again, Commander._

Two years dead, and a denial of what she had been through, and Alexis still jumped at his orders. Hell, she'd jump at the orders of practically any commanding officer. If it meant that she'd get her reputation back, that she could be working to stop the Reapers. What was to come. _There's no time. No time to rest. No real time for this, but I don't have any other choice._ Taking one last glance in the mirror, she steeled herself for whatever was to come and headed out of her private quarters on the _Normandy, _leaving her half eaten breakfast on her table. For now, it was time to report to the Kithoi Ward.


	2. Chapter 1: Physicals

**Chapter 1: Physicals**

Dr. Madison Brooks. The doctor had introduced herself as if the name should have been important. Of course, Shepard had absolutely no idea whom this doctor was, and apart from Dr. Chakwas, she had never had a regular physician during any of her tours. Being a N7 operative meant she was often transferred from one vessel to another for whatever important mission had been drummed up for her. Serving aboard the Normandy had been the most regular tour of service she had been part of in years.

Right now though, Shepard could care less about this mousy looking brunette dressed in Alliance BDUs. Shepard just wanted the woman to hurry and finish the physical so she could be on her way. After everything that Shepard had been through during the past few months, sitting on a metal exam table in her underwear while being inspected by a doctor was aggravating to say the least. It certainly had not helped matters that her every movement since she had arrived at the facility had been scrutinized. That conversations would silence as she walked by, only to begin in hushed, hurried tones once they thought she was too far away to hear it. Words like _traitor_ and _terrorist_ that she knew were directed at her.

"So, Commander Shepard," Dr. Brooks voice was curt, abrupt, treading a fine line between professional and disrespect. "Your medical files show that the last physical you had dates back to over two years ago. At least by an _Alliance_ doctor. That is correct?"

Shepard watched as Dr. Brooks tapped her fingers across a datapad in her hands, as if she were remarkably unfamiliar with the file. "Are you certain you have the proper credentials to be here?" The last thing Shepard wanted was some hotshot young doctor who did not have the necessary clearance handling her medical file; trying to make their name on the infamous _turncoat_.

Dr. Brooks tucked the datapad under one arm as she folded her arms across her chest. "I was personally selected by Alliance brass to handle this case, Commander. Given the recent reports regarding you, they wish for me to verify as much information as possible."

"Then I'm certain that underneath that last date it should also have some kind of notation about being killed in action. Or does being declared dead not merit notation in a medical file?" She gripped the edges of the table, knuckles turning white, to try and stymie her anger.

"Commander," Dr. Brooks leaned back against a counter in the room. "There are certainly notations of your presumed death in this file; however, as you are sitting here breathing and quite alive at this very moment, it obviously calls to question the validity of the information here."

Shepard felt a cold knot tighten in the pit of her stomach. She should have realized that no one was going to take her word on anything that had happened since the Collectors had destroyed the Normandy SR-1, getting her spaced in the process. "Last time I checked, Doc, you weren't an attending physician of mine at all during the past three years. You have no fucking idea what I have or have not been through, so why don't you stop questioning my integrity and get to doing the job you were sent here to do?"

"Perhaps you should have thought about your integrity before you defected over to a terrorist organization, Commander."

The self-righteous words of the doctor hung in the air for several deathly quiet moments while Shepard did her best to rein back the wave of dark energy that flared to life suddenly. No matter if the topic was the always the elephant in the room, there was no benefit of the doubt given to her. No second chance. Always the presumption that she had gone bad, and that infuriated Alexis. It was probably fortunate that the doctor had taken the quiet moment to turn and start gathering the few instruments she would need to run her tests. "I didn't defect."

Dr. Brooks walked the short distance across the room with a tray full of little electrodes and instruments. With deft expertise, she quickly began applying the tiny sensors to Shepard. "So you claim."

For all the venomous words, the doctor actually applied the sensors with a relative gentleness, but it did not dissolve any of the anger that had still been brewing for Shepard. "Ah, that's right. I'm no better than a common Blue Suns merc now. Let's not pay any mind to everything that I did prior to two years ago." Shepard pulled back from Dr. Brooks's touch. "So exactly whose damned word would be good enough for you?"

A look of contempt crossed Dr. Brooks's face before she jammed an instrument into Shepard's arm. Shepard felt a prickly sensation shoot through her arm as the instrument drew some blood, but Shepard ignored it. "What? Nothing more to add? I seriously want to know who the fuck I could drag down here to get you to actually treat me like any other patient? How about Dr. Chakwas? She's an Alliance doc, just like you."

"Former Alliance. She resigned her last post over a year ago, and our last reports have her serving with Cerberus, and on your ship. Not exactly brimming with credibility there."

Alexis tensed her jaw, trying to keep from grinding her teeth together. "She resigned her post in order to ensure that Lt. Moreau would have the necessary care. She put the concern for others ahead of her career."

Dr. Brooks scoffed. "Right, that's so much better. She _resigned_ to take care of someone who _defected_ because he thought he killed you. Or at least was part of your elaborate cover in faking your death."

"I didn't fake my death." Alexis gripped the edge of the table, her knuckles shaking as they turned white.

"No, you had Cerberus destroy a prototype warship, killing dozens of honest Alliance personnel so you could jump ship. The _honorable and brave_ Commander Shepard." One of the metal doors to a cabinet flew across the room at a breakneck speed, crashing into a wall with a sickening crunch leaving a notable dent marred in the once smooth surface. Dr. Brooks let out a startled yelp as she recoiled from the sound, her eyes looking on in a bit of terror at the crash.

"Get the fuck out." An icy ripple flared down Shepard's spine.

Dr. Brooks backed away, her feet almost slipping on the smooth surface, eyes wide as she stared at Shepard. "Wha..?"

"I said get the fuck out! NOW!" The door to the room struggled violently in its frame, the metal groaning terribly. A flare of energy erupted briefly in the room as the door was ripped from the wall. Shepard briefly saw Dr. Brooks drop quickly to the ground, covering her head to avoid the projectile as it collided into the opposite wall.

"Do you have any fucking clue who I even am?" Shepard stalked over to where her clothes laid. She quickly yanked on her clothes and shoved her feet into the boots sitting on the ground. "I'm the god damned Savior of the Citadel. I'm the hero of the Skyllian Blitz. I'm Commander fucking Shepard, and no one ever asked me if I would be okay with anything that Cerberus so graciously assumed for me!

"I'm not a damned traitor! And neither is any of my crew. I would take any one with the caliber of Chakwas' character any day over a sniveling bitch like you." Shepard grabbed the rest of her belongings and headed to leave the broken remains of the exam room. She stopped briefly next to the still cowering figure of the doctor, kneeling down next to her. "At least none of my defects would be ready to piss themselves in fear because they mouthed off to the wrong person."

With a smug smirk, Shepard stood and left the room. As she walked through the open doorway, three marines leveled their assault rifles directly at her. Shepard let out an exasperated sigh and stopped in her tracks. "Stand down, Soldiers."

None of the men flinched at her order, and she pinched the bridge of her nose to try and rein back the new wave of anger rising in her. "I said. Stand. Down."

Once again, all three marines remained statuesque, keeping their sights trained on Shepard as their target. "Last time I checked the Alliance did not have any damned jurisdiction over Spectres. So either take your best shot, or stand the fuck down and get out of my way." She was practically snarling the last of her words.

Shepard watched as two of the marines shot nervous glances between each other and took a few steps backwards, fidgeting slightly. Slowly, those two marines lowered their rifles, but the third continued to hold his ground, ignoring that the rest of his squad was no longer backing him up. "So what's it going to be tough guy? Are you going to shoot me? Is it really worth seeing if you can get a clean shot before I..."

"Commander!" Anderson's voice interrupted her with a reprimanding tone. Shepard quickly turned to the direction his voice came from, swallowing the rest of her words. From down the hall, she could see Councilor Anderson quickly heading in her direction. There was no mistaking the man accompanying him, with the dark hair that was as thick as it appeared, and whiskey colored eyes - it was Kaidan.


	3. Chapter 2: Hurtful Things

**Chapter 2: Hurtful Things**

"Are you quite finished here with this display, Commander?" Anderson approached Shepard, one marine still standing his ground with his assault rifle. Shepard watched Anderson and Kaidan intently with rage glittering in her blue eyes.

"Corporal Thomas, stand down." Kaidan stepped into the fray, his attention solely on her despite the command tone in his voice. From her periphery, Shepard saw the assault rifle disappear as it was lowered, but she kept her eyes locked on the two men who had just arrived. Anderson looked upon her with stern disapproval. She could not get a read from Kaidan, however, despite how close they'd been. It was another painful reminder of what she had lost. As was the fact that every nerve ending stood at attention and saluted him in his dress blues, breaking through her anger and serving to make her just that much angrier – mainly at herself. After all this time and all the pain between them, he still made her heart beat speed up and her mouth dry. No one had any right to look that good in their Class As.

"Isn't this the point where you place me under arrest?" Shepard asked, crossing her arms across her chest as she glared at the two men before her.

Anderson did not seem amused with her attitude and gestured for her to move on down the hall. "Let's go discuss what will be done a bit more privately, Commander." His tone left little room for questioning.

Anderson walked past her and started heading down the hall. She quickly fell in line behind him, wanting to distance herself from the scene she had just caused, but she could hear Kaidan stay behind briefly to issue orders to the marines who had been standing by. Anderson led her into a room towards the end of the hall that looked as if it were likely someone's office. She stalked past him and waited, trying her best to calm the raging pit in her stomach.

She heard both Anderson and Kaidan enter the room shortly after her, and the door hissed as it slid closed. Shepard watched them quietly as she did her best to rein back her temper again. It would have been much easier had Anderson been the only one who had arrived, but Kaidan complicated things. It had been maybe three months since she had last seen him on the colony of Horizon, and her feelings towards him had been in a mess since then.

Joy. Hurt. Love. Anger. _Sadness._

Hurt and anger had been near the top of that list lately, so she felt it best to let one of them start the conversation after the incident with the doctor.

"Would you like to explain yourself, Commander?" Anderson's voice finally cut through the terse silence between the three of them.

"Does it really matter what I have to say? I mean, seriously, will anything I have to say even matter once that shrew of a doctor you stuck on me starts firing her trap again? I'll be nothing more than the mangy Cerberus mongrel that needs to be put down." She could still feel the dark torrent of energy tingling at the back of her mind, reminding her of the fine line she was still treading with her control.

"Shepard," Compassion colored Anderson's voice, but he remained at a distance, like the impasse ahead of them. "Nobody here is against you. We just need to know what happened."

"Besides, Dr. Brooks has an impeccable reputation for being fair in her assessments. That's one of the reasons she was recommended for this assignment." Kaidan lingered just behind Anderson, and no matter how much she wished it, he didn't disappear.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow in her former lover's direction. "Since when does being an antagonistic bitch qualify a person as _fair_?"

She watched as Kaidan set his jaw slightly at her words. It was the first break in his cool demeanor since he had walked up with Anderson. "Shepard, please." He spoke with the same easy tone that she had heard so many times on the original Normandy, and for some reason, that really bothered her.

"Please what? Be civil about that sniveling harpy that walked into that examination with a chip on her shoulder? Why should I?" Shepard crossed her arms across her chest.

Anderson stepped forward slightly. "Shepard-" His words were cut short by a knock on the door before it slid open.

"Councilor, sorry to interrupt, but we have two priority calls coming through for you." The marine at the door glanced a bit nervously into the room.

Anderson sighed and nodded to the marine. "Alenko, get to the bottom of this. Shepard, cooperate. Please." He then left the room, the door hissing quietly behind him once more.

Kaidan stared at her quietly for a moment after Anderson left. "What is it about Dr. Brooks that has you so wound up?"

Shepard shrugged. "Her snotty tone? The self righteous comments? The downright accusations of me having zero integrity due to my forced affiliation with Cerberus? But you'll need to interrogate her to find out why she had it in for me before she stepped through the damn door."

"I rather doubt that Madison intentionally set out to discredit you, Shepard." Kaidan maintained that same calm voice as before, obviously trying to help diffuse the situation.

His continued calm defense of _Madison_, however, infuriated her. Why would he not believe her word for once? "What am I just not thinking straight again, Kaidan? Just like last time?"

His eyes immediately darkened as soon as the words left her mouth. "When you are acting like a child not getting her way and throwing tantrums? Yes, I would say that you aren't thinking straight!" Shepard opened her mouth to defend herself, and Kaidan held up a hand to silence her. "You ripped the door from the wall and threw it across the room, Shepard! How the hell is that not throwing a tantrum?"

"What the hell would you have had me do, Kaidan? Turn the other cheek as she continued to peck at me about things out of my control? As she made disparaging comments about not only me, but my crew? My crew that stood by me, that nearly died on my mission. I'm not a saint. And if you keep poking me with a pointed stick, don't be fucking surprised if I lash out. " She closed her eyes and brought one hand to her forehead, applying pressure to her temples and trying to force her mind to focus on that rather than the pulses of energy surging through her body.

She wasn't sure what she expected of Kaidan after that last outburst. She thought he would at least say something, do something. For all of her anger, she still wanted him to try and do _anything_. But she felt that all too familiar wrench in her heart as she heard the familiar hiss of the door, and she opened her eyes to watch him walk away from her once more. She could feel tears pool at the edges of her eyes, and she quickly slammed her right fist into the nearby wall, feeling the pain course up her arm. It would be a cold day in hell before she wasted any tears on him again.


	4. Chapter 3: Doctor's Orders

**Chapter 3: Doctor's Orders**

What the hell did she want from him? Kaidan wished he knew. Never, in all the time they had served beside one another, that he'd loved her, had he seen her so lost, so out of control. Sure, she had been angry over things being done to her - like being grounded after Virmire - but never like this. What the hell had Cerberus done to her?

He stopped in his tracks and looked back over his shoulder, down the hall to where he had left Shepard. Maybe he should go back, to try and get through to her. But what could he say? He was fairly certain that there was absolutely nothing he could tell her just now that would make things better for her. And for as much as it pained him to see her like this, he did not think he could handle being her emotional punching bag.

No, he was going to talk to Madison and find out what happened, starting back down the hallway with renewed vigor. His Shepard was never the kind of person to make up stories about what happened. _His Shepard_. His chest tightened at his own choice of words. Even after all this time, he still had a hard time not associating her as his.

Kaidan forced that rather distracting thought from his head as he made his way down the hallway. After a few minutes and a brief stop for directions, Kaidan found himself at Dr. Madison Brooks' office in the Alliance complex. Through the door, he could hear the rather perky voice of Madison. "No, no, I'm fine. Just a bit shaken up over the ordeal."

"Madison, do you have a moment?" Kaidan stepped just inside the room after the door slid open.

Madison glanced briefly up at Kaidan and waved him into her office. "I'm going to have to call you back." She ended the call rather quickly, never even giving whomever she spoke to a chance to say a word. Something about that didn't sit well with Kaidan, even if he did need to speak with Madison. She even attempted her best smile for him as he entered her office, but despite it all, she looked terrible. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her normally perfect makeup was a streaky mess on her face.

It was a good chance that Shepard's antics were the closest Madison had ever been to actual combat. "What the hell happened in there, Madison?"

Madison's smile quickly vanished, a dark scowl taking its place. "You mean other than almost being killed by the supposed Savior of the Citadel?" Her voice carried a definite tone of disgust, and she turned her attention to one of several datapads scattered across her desk.

Kaidan was certain that Shepard had not tried to kill the other woman, but he knew better than to try to explain that to someone who had never been under direct fire before. "Madison, I'm very sorry for whatever Shepard may have done. I need you to tell me what happened in that room."

She fiddled idly with the datapad in her hands a moment before setting it down and looking to Kaidan. "Alliance brass wanted me to verify as many details in her medical file as I could to help account for the past two years. Commander Shepard felt it unnecessary and became difficult. I tried to ease past the issue and continue the rest of physical. It was then that she became...unstable."

"Something had to have set her off. Shepard isn't the kind of woman who would just start losing control like that." Kaidan struggled to keep his tone reasonable.

"Kaidan, it's been two years since she faked her own death. Do you honestly think you know what kind of woman she is?" An annoyed look painted Madison's face, as she fought to keep from rolling her eyes.

His eyes narrowed at her words. "Dr. Brooks, I'll ask you again. Was there something said or done that could have set off Commander Shepard?"

"Commander Alenko, don't you think you have too much personally invested to be an impartial third party in this situation?" She lifted her chin, as if defying him to deny what she said, and something inside the normally calm marine snapped.

"Commander Shepard is a war hero twice over. She's a top grade special forces agent, and a Council Spectre. The Alliance is greatly interested in seeing that she be reinstated to active duty." His voice was clipped as he spoke. There were not many people who knew exactly how close he had been with his former commanding officer, and Madison had never been one of his confidants. A couple of dates should not have given her that kind of insight. _What the hell does she really know?_

"_Your Shepard_," acid colored her words, unknowingly echoing his own thoughts moments ago, "is an egomaniac on the verge of a psychotic break. But if mentally unstable officers who defect to terrorist organizations are what the Alliance is currently interested in, then maybe it's time I resigned."

Kaidan felt a momentary lapse in his control over his biotics, the cool trickle of water, running down his nerves. Setting his jaw, he was now becoming keenly aware of what had set Shepard off earlier, and he pooled the energy back into his core, keeping himself from flaring. "Actually, I'd recommend that you resign as soon as you can."

Madison blinked in astonishment as he spoke, but her voice maintained its acerbic tones. "And why is that, Commander?"

"Because once Admiral Hackett gets my report on what you did here, you're really going to wish you had cut ties and **run**." Kaidan then turned and left her office, heading back towards where he had left Shepard.

As the door slid shut, he heard her call out. "It's such a damn shame. Such a fine piece of marine ass like yourself, and you're completely being wasted on her." It actually amazed him now to think of the amount of restraint that Shepard had actually used in the situation. Hell, most of the special forces agents he had met - apart from Shepard - likely would have made sure that no one heard from that foul mouthed woman again.

In hindsight, dating Madison had been a mistake. And not just because of her unprofessional behavior in this instance. Six months ago, his friends had finally managed to talk him into going out for drinks with Madison, insisting that she would be nothing like Shepard. And they had been right. Madison had been nothing like Shepard. She had been almost obnoxiously perky, as well as being more than a little self-absorbed. It had been clear to him right away that she was not his type, but he still allowed himself the distraction of those few dates. Maybe life without Shepard didn't have to be a constant struggle to survive the pain of losing her.

That had been before Horizon, before he had seen Shepard standing like a ghost before him. All that pain had come flooding back to him. And then she had simply disappeared off into the Terminus. He had reacted badly to seeing her again at Horizon, but he had done what he could to reach out to her, once he had a chance to reassess the situation.

Shepard never reached back out to him. After the Horizon incident, the Alliance had kept him grounded at the Citadel, and he had been privy to the limited reports of her activities that the Alliance had. Anderson had even recruited him to help pore through the Cerberus logs that Shepard had rather abruptly dropped on the Councilor. She had handwritten dozens of reports, personnel files, and records detailing exactly what Cerberus had been up to. But still, there had been no message for him. Not even to tell him that she hated him.

It was as if he meant nothing to her, and that thought tore him apart. If Admiral Hackett had not personally sent him here to be his eyes and ears, Kaidan would have stayed far away from Shepard. Just seeing her earlier had affected him more than he feared it would.

Kaidan stopped himself when he realized that he was almost back to Shepard's current room. He had been so engrossed in his own thoughts that he had almost forgotten his surroundings. Out of habit, he brought one hand to his forehead. He did his best to push the unsettling thoughts from his mind. If Shepard was still angry, he had to be able to deal with her for the time being, and he could not do that if he was mired in his own anguish. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself and closed the short distance to the door.

Inside the room, Kaidan was half-surprised to find Shepard still there. His mind was so used to her being gone, that it had expected him to find the room empty, hollow. Shepard was oblivious to the fact that he had returned, as she paced in the back of the room. His eyes followed her as she moved, managing to find a way to command even this empty room. She was compelling, dangerous, beautiful and clearly still angry. For the moment though, Kaidan was content to just watch his Shepard.


	5. Chapter 4: Broken Hearts

**Chapter 4: Broken Hearts**

The hairs on the back of Shepard's neck bristled with the fury still coursing through her. Punching the wall had worked to stop the flood of tears, but it had done nothing to rein in her anger. She still wanted to tear apart the room and lash out at anyone stupid enough to cross her path. What she needed was her shotgun and a corridor full of Husks. That would bleed off all this excess energy that was eating away at her.

Unless anyone here at this facility was secretly an indoctrinated Reaper drone, she doubted that droves of Husks would be overrunning the facility any time soon. So instead of wanton violence against mindless automatons, Shepard attempted to settle her nerves by pacing in the room while she waited. It was not working, but then she hated waiting.

Her patience was wearing exceptionally thin as she waited, exacerbated further by the throbbing in her temples. Anderson had not returned from his supposed priority calls, and Kaidan was the last person she wanted to see at the moment. He accused her of turning her back on him, but she kept seeing him turn his back and walk away. She flexed her right hand as she eyed the closest wall. Pain lingered still from her first encounter with the wall, but the synthetic bone weave should keep her from inflicting too much trauma to herself.

"Commander." Instinctively, Shepard turned to the male voice. She was surprised to see he was not speaking to her.

The orderly handed a datapad to Kaidan, offering a quick salute before heading off. Shepard watched the exchange intently, waiting for him to step back in the room before accosting him with questions. "Just how the hell long have you been standing there, Alenko?"

Kaidan regarded her quietly for a moment, his face still as unreadable as before. "Not long."

"And how was the poor little victimized doctor?" She did not know for certain that he had gone to talk to her, but it made sense. Besides, polite small talk with Kaidan was the last thing she wanted to indulge in.

"Dr. Brooks was fine." Kaidan set the datapad he received on a nearby counter. "She's been removed from the case." It was still difficult to get a read on him, his voice decidedly far too neutral about the statement.

"What happened to _Madison_?" She let every ounce of rage freeze over the doctor's name.

Kaidan gave her a confused look. "What do you mean Shepard?"

Shepard ignored the sharp stab of pain through her temples as she narrowed her eyes at him. "Oh don't act like I'm dumb, Kaidan. You were awfully damn quick to believe _she_ had done no wrong earlier. Why is Madison suddenly Dr. Brooks now? Lovers' spat?"

"Dr. Brooks and I are nothing more than colleagues, and after _her_ behavior here today, she is going to be pending a formal review by Alliance brass." He smirked softly. "You never struck me as the jealous type."

"I am not jealous!" Her voice cracked with emotion, heat rushing to her cheeks.

Kaidan stood there a moment, looking half amused at her. Her low blood sugar and his eyes meeting hers combined to make her pulse race and her head light. She felt ridiculous that he could still affect her like this after Horizon, after all this time. Then just as quickly, the moment passed, and a dark look crossed his face. "You're right. Jealousy would mean that you actually care."

"Don't try to act like you know a damn thing about how I feel." She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. _Damnit, where's another wall. I will not cry. I cannot cry. Not _now. _Not in front of _him.

"How could I, Shepard? Before today, I hadn't heard one word from you since Horizon. And for as much of a blundered mess as that was, I at least tried to reach out to you. That was a hell of a lot more than I got in return." His own voice was thick with emotion as he stared intently at her with his dark eyes.

She stared at him, pain in her eyes. "I am so terribly sorry, Kaidan. I'm so sorry that the galaxy's ever pressing need for Commander Shepard kept me from having the time to responding to such loving endearments such as _maybe… I don't know_. Tell me what part of that was supposed to make me want to profess my undying love?"

"I thought anything had to be better than the way we had left things on Horizon. You obviously felt differently. Did it all really mean so little to you? Did it ever mean anything at all? Ilos? Us? Or was it an act, as honest as your allegiance to the Alliance?" A look of regret immediately crossed his face as the harshness of his words struck both of them. "Shepard, I didn't…"

"No, you don't get to say something like that and just take it back. Let me get one thing fucking straight with you. I had no choice in anything that has happened. Nothing was how I would have done this. Cerberus decided to play god with _my life_. They took whatever was left of me, and put it back together. Who fucking knows what the hell they did to me, but _you_, you're the one who broke my heart." She quickly brushed aside the few tears that had managed to fall free, hating how the drops of water betrayed how deeply she had been affected. She could even feel her hands tremble from the torrent of emotions she was experiencing.

"Damn it, Alexis! Do you honestly think any of this is easy for me? You've done nothing but push me away, make me believe that I don't matter one bit. But now, I'm the evil bastard that broke your poor little heart."

"I pushed _you_ away? Do the words 'betrayal' and 'traitor' sound at all familiar? How about 'lov_ed_'? Because I distinctly recall you throwing all of that in my face and then walking away. Nobody else turned their back on me. Just you. Garrus, Tali, they stood by me. Even Wrex and Liara did what they could." Her head was swimming now. She had to get out of here, away from him.

As she moved to rush by him, Kaidan grabbed her by the arm, his grasp firm and gentle. Despite everything that had been said, her skin tingled underneath his touch, her heart skipping slightly. She glanced up into his eyes, seeing a mirror of hurt and anger. "Then why don't you go cry to one of them, and stop jerking me around," he said bitterly.

Yanking her arm free, Shepard stared at her once lover. He had changed so much in two years. Just those brief thoughts were enough to make her taste bile at the back of her throat. "Fuck you, Alenko." Fuck the Alliance and Anderson's orders too, she silently added as she fled the room. She did not need this.


	6. Chapter 5: Dominance

**Chapter 5: Dominance**

_Fuck you, Alenko_. Her words still rang in his ears. Ever since he had gotten the news two years ago that Shepard had died, he had wanted nothing more than to be able to be able to have her back. Hold her. _Love her_. He wished he had disobeyed her final orders and forced her to leave with the pod. He thought it would be easier to live in a galaxy where she hated him rather than one where she was dead. Now, he was not so certain.

As angry as they both were, he could not let her leave things like that. Rushing out of the room, Kaidan spied Shepard standing further down the corridor. Her head bowed while one arm acted as a brace against the wall. He closed the distance to her, surprised that she had not managed to storm her way to the elevator.

"Commander." He kept his voice low. Arguing with Shepard behind closed doors was one thing. The rooms were not soundproof, but they worked well to ensure that private matters were kept private - even if yelling were involved. The hallway full of Alliance personnel was not some place he wanted to continue their argument.

She snapped her attention to him, a pained, exhausted look in her eyes. When she spoke, her anger seemed subdued underneath her weariness. "What do you want now?"

He could not help but recall that moment from two years ago when she looked at him with similar eyes, seeming to sink beneath the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. Just back then, he had not been one of the reasons for the pain. Seeing that raw vulnerability was enough to just about break him. Everything about Shepard was complicated.

Kaidan stepped out of the way of several people moving down the hallway, forcing him to move closer still to Shepard. He ignored the sudden hush in their conversation as they walked by. "I don't believe you've been dismissed yet, Commander."

Anger flashed again in her blue eyes, and it was obvious that Shepard was restraining herself from saying or doing something. "Is that an order, Commander?"

He leaned in close behind her. "If you don't march your ass back to that room, I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you there. Take your pick Shepard." He was not altogether bluffing, but he hoped that she would not test to see how far he would actually go.

A soft, derisive laugh slipped past her lips for a moment. She shook her head slightly before roughly brushing past him and back towards the room they had just left. Kaidan followed directly behind her, engaging the lock to the door as it slid shut.

He watched silently as she walked over to the desk in the room, leaning up against its edge. She would not even look at him. Instead, she stood there, hands gripping the edge of the desk, as she focused her attention on some invisible spot on the ground.

He felt utterly helpless as he watched her. He had demanded that she come back here, but he had no idea what he could say to her. Everything he had tried to say before had seemingly come out wrong. After seeing the pain in her eyes in the hallway, the last thing he wanted was for either of them to start lashing back out at the other.

Seeing as Shepard was clearly in no mood to talk, Kaidan swallowed his pride and apologized. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said before. I just don't know what I can say to you that won't keep pushing you away. And pushing you away is the last thing I want. Shepard, please. Look at me."

Her hands twitched along the edge of the desk. "Just stop, Kaidan." Her voice had lost its venom, instead sounding resigned, tired.

Yet, she still kept her eyes downcast. Even now, she was as stubborn as always. He sighed and moved to stand in front of her. "I meant it when I told you that I can't stand the thought of losing you, Shepard. Every time."

Gently, he touched her face, his fingers lightly dancing over her skin. Her eyes met his finally, filled with a myriad of emotions. The fierce intensity of her gaze made his thoughts falter. "Alexis, I..."

His words died as her mouth was suddenly on his, hungry with need. She wasted no time in taking advantage of his surprise. Her tongue pushed past his lips, assaulting him with her all too familiar taste. A low growl settled in his throat as two years of repressed desire came flooding back to him.

Roughly, he pressed his body against hers, pinning her to the desk in the process. He used his newfound leverage to bear his mouth down hard against hers, forcing her to abandon her current bid for dominance. He felt her fingers dig into his arms as he greedily invaded her own mouth, tongues meeting and teeth biting. More than once, she managed to get his lower lip between her teeth and tug before he pressed his advantage and pushed his way back between her lips.

Her hands began to work on divesting him of his uniform jacket, her trembling fingers fumbling at the clasps. Fumbling turned to pulling as they failed at their task. He broke from their kiss, his own hands moving to assist hers. He pried her shaking fingers from his jacket. Pausing a moment, he held onto her hands, feeling them quiver still, realizing it wasn't just her hands. Concern burned through the fog of desire that had clouded his thoughts. "Shepard, what's wrong?"

She shifted slightly underneath him, her body rubbing against his. He could feel parts of himself react immediately to her hips shifting against him, but using more willpower than he thought he had, he ignored the feeling and focused on her. "Do you really want to talk right now?"

_No, not really. God help me, no I don't want to talk. I want your clothes off, and I want to be so far inside you, I can't pull out._ "Yes, I do; you're trembling."

He watched as annoyance flickered briefly over her face. "Well, Ilos was a long time ago. For both of us." She shifted her hips against him again, almost making him lose control, but he rallied and disregarded the demands of his body where she pressed tightly against him.

"I highly doubt that Ilos was anywhere on your mind earlier, Shepard," he said dryly. "And you were shaking almost as much then."

She yanked her hands away from him, her defenses quickly sliding back into place. At the very least, she might stop tormenting him with her every intentional move. "I was also quite angry then, in case you forgot."

"That's an awfully long time to be so angry that you are literally shaking, Shepard."

"What can I say. A lot of things really piss me off this days."_ Like you._ She never actually said the words, but she did not have to. Her storming eyes spoke clearly enough for her.

"You can be as angry as you like. But we're not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong." He kept his voice calm despite the warning bell ringing in the back of his mind. His panic did not need to be her panic.

Angrily, she shoved him away, her biotics flaring brightly for a moment. The combined energies should have sent him slamming into the wall. Instead, he staggered back briefly from her surprisingly weak blow. Instinctively, he grabbed a hold of her waist as she began to move, refusing to let her try to run out again.

He felt her body stumble into his, her hands bracing themselves on his chest. He tightened his arm around her waist to help steady her while allowing him to hold her close. "I think it's time you told me exactly what's going on, Shepard. That's an order."


	7. Chapter 6: Confusion

**Chapter 6: Confusion**

In hindsight, Shepard probably should not have tried to biotically throw Kaidan across the room. Her intent had been to try and put space quickly between them, yet here she was back in his arms, and not in the way she had hoped early she would be.

It was just that he got underneath her skin, and that really was messing with her head. Sure, she had kissed him, and she certainly had not sensed any objections from him when she had done that. Damn it all, if those far too brief moments had not been the most she had felt alive, well, since she had been brought back to life. But, he had to go and ruin everything by wanting to talk.

Even now, she could hear his smooth voice, muffled as it was over the blood pounding in her ears and resonating static of her biotic energies that failed to discharge. It did not really matter what he was saying though. The only thing she wanted right now was for the room to stop spinning, and maybe to put some more distance between her and Kaidan.

Her world swayed again as she tried to pull away from his grasp, sharp pain stabbing through her temples suddenly. She quickly brought one hand to her forehead, somehow hoping that its presence there would still both the pain and the sudden wave of nausea building in her gut. Her mind only vaguely registered the fact that Kaidan was even still there, supporting her as he walked her elsewhere in the room and placed her in a chair.

Why had she been so stupid? It had been at Basic since she had last overdone it at all - and it had been nothing like this. She knew better. Swallowing the fresh taste of bile that had burned at her throat, she tried to focus – to recall what she was supposed to do.

_Shepard_.

Wait, was that Kaidan, or was she just imagining his voice for a moment? No, that had to have been him. He was still here, his voice still muffled through the haze in her mind. She felt his hands suddenly against her back, leaning her forward gently until she found herself hugging her knees. The loud thundering began to subside in her ears as she was forced to take in several deep breaths.

Even after the initial relief, it still felt like an eternity passed before the edge began to give way. Her mind still felt like liquid fire had engulfed it, and exhausted did not begin to describe how tired she felt. She was fairly certain had her current position been more comfortable, she would be fast asleep. But, the room had stopped spinning, and her stomach no longer churned uneasily.

"Feeling better, Commander?" His voice was calm, professional. What was going on?

"I'm...uh... sort of…" She slowly sat up, wincing as her eyes tried to adjust to the harsh brightness of the room. Her vision blurred as she glanced about the room, the strain intensifying the searing pain in her head.

Kaidan stood a few feet away watching her quietly, his face back to that unreadable mask from before. He turned his attention back to a datapad he held in his hands a moment before setting it aside and walking over to her. "I'm going to need you to answer a few questions then, ma'am. First, I need you to state your name."

_State my name_? What the hell kind of game was Kaidan playing at? She glared at him. "You know good and well what my name is."

"Just answer the question, ma'am." He was still all professional, distant.

Shepard knew orders when she heard them at least. If he wanted to be Commander Alenko now, she'd play his game. "_Former_ Lieutenant Commander Alexis Shepard, of the Systems Alliance Navy, and current agent of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance unit for the Citadel."

"Can you tell me where we are?"

"The Alliance medical facility located in the Kithoi Ward on the Citadel."

"Do you recall why you are here today?"

"Admiral Steven Hackett personally requested that I present myself here for a full medical review. It was to be the first step in a reinstatement process." _Though I have no idea why I am even bothering to continue with this charade now_, she thought bitterly. "Any other questions that you would like to ask, Commander?"

He pointedly ignored her question. "Stand up, ma'am."

"Just what the hell is the point of all this, Alenko?" she demanded as she stood up. "I didn't fall and hit my head."

"The point, Shepard," he started, the setting of his jaw belying the anger he was masking, "is that I have a pigheaded marine who just suffered a neurological episode. I need to make sure she didn't damage her cognitive abilities."

"My cognitive abilities are just fine."

"Is that so?"

"We're finished here."

"Unfortunately, Commander, that isn't your decision to make. Now sit back down."

"Like hell it isn't. I'm not part of the Alliance. You don't get to order me about like a good little soldier."

"Shepard, you can make this as difficult as you want, but you are staying here."

"You can't force me to stay."

"Actually, I can. I have more than sufficient evidence to prove that you are not only a danger to yourself right now, but also to others – given your display of unchecked biotic impulses. Now, you can either sit back down, and cooperate, like Anderson told you, or I can have someone come in here and sedate you."

"Are you arresting me, Commander?" she asked, dejection in her voice, as she sat back down. This was all beginning to seem eerily familiar.

"The Alliance would prefer such measures be avoided if at all possible." It was as an evasive answer as she would have given in a similar situation. That did not make her feel better.

"How comforting…" It was mostly to herself, but she figured he probably heard her mutter.

"Shepard-"

"Excuse me, sir?" A young Alliance soldier entered through the open door to the room, carrying a tray with few items on it. Shepard furrowed her brow, trying to remember when the door had been opened. She distinctly recalled Kaidan closing the door. How long had she been out of it earlier?

Kaidan motioned for the soldier to set the tray down on the desk. "When was the last time you ate?"

She shrugged, a bit confused as to the purpose of this new question. Her eyes followed the movements of the soldier as he set down the tray and then left the room. "This morning."

"Do you honestly expect me to believe that?" He removed a drink and hypo spray from the tray.

Her head throbbed as she tried to figure out where he was going with this line of questioning. "I don't care what you choose to believe." She had been eating; she was not lying about that. She had just been unable to keep most food down for the past few days.

Closing the distance between them, he placed the drink in her hands. "You don't care about a lot of things," he grabbed hold of her arm and administering whatever was in the hypo spray. "For instance, you obviously don't care about what your neglect is doing to your body, or are you intentionally trying to kill yourself?"

Heat crept along her cheeks as she processed the accusatory note of his words. How farther from the truth could he be. "I had plenty of opportunities to get myself killed a couple of weeks ago. Why would I suddenly start now?"

"You tell me. You're the one claiming that you ate, but yet, you've been running around with a blood sugar level that would leave even a non-biotic unconscious," He released her arm, taking a step back.

"I just...overtaxed my biotics." Shepard averted her eyes from Kaidan, turning her attention to the dark liquid that filled the cup in her hands.

"Except that these glucose level readings were taken before any of your biotic displays. You need to drink that."

She stared at the liquid a moment before finally slamming it back. The familiar too sweet taste of the energy drink assaulted her senses as she forced the liquid down. After all of Cerberus's rebuilding and upgrades, she still hated the taste. "Satisfied?" she kept her eyes locked at the cup she still held in her hands. The trace remnants of the dark liquid slowly seeping their way down the side of the cup.

_Blood began to seep down the unknown woman's face. Slowly at first, then more rapidly as the blood mixed with some clear liquid coating the interior of the pod. The woman's eyes flew open, a mixture of panic and terror in them. Large bleeding welts appeared over her face, her arms, as she futilely began beating against the glass of the pod; her screams silenced by her very captor. A bloody stump slammed into the glass with a sickening thud, smearing blood and meat..._

The cup clattered against the ground, snapping the image from her mind, though the damage had already been done. She felt her throat clench tightly before her stomach emptied itself of its sparse contents.


	8. Chapter 7: Confessions

**Chapter 7: Confessions**

God, she was a wreck. The sheer force of the mass effect shields appeared to be the only thing holding her together. He kept waiting for her to just fall to pieces.

The _Normandy_ was stronger than she looked currently. It had taken them the better part of two weeks to navigate back to the Citadel, but Shepard had been insistent that they find port there rather than Omega or Illium, especially after her spectacular blow out with the Illusive Man after destroying the Collector Base. Besides, the Commander had mentioned that both the Alliance Brass and the Council wanted to meet with her. She had been mum as to why, if she knew anything more than that.

Forty-eight hours ago, Joker insisted on remaining with the repair crews when Shepard began issuing mandatory shore leave for the majority of the crew. He did not trust anyone else to handle his baby. Besides, someone had to look after EDI and make sure her systems were fully restored as well.

Of course, the shore leave had not included the Commander herself. He had seen her come and go several times over the course of the past two days, but she seemed business as usual every time. Guess she figured two years dead had been enough shore leave.

He grimaced at the morbid thought. Damn, he still felt guilty about those two years, even if Shepard never took him to task over his stubborn insubordination that caused her death.

"EDI, how are the repairs coming?" He must have been desperate for a distraction if he was considering actual work right now. Sure, he spent most of his time on the bridge anyways, because, well, leather seats, but he did not want to dwell on such thoughts. Work would be better.

The pale blue glow from the orb to his left caught his eye, as EDI flicked to life. "Internal system diagnostics are still compiling. They are almost complete. External repairs, I currently estimate complete at 79%. We will need several more days in dock before the hull is capable of handling the stress of travel."

"Because we didn't just travel from the center of the Galaxy with these hull breaches."

"We travelled out of necessity, Jeff. I made several recommendations to the Commander to stop at other ports for repairs; however, Shepard had insisted that we return to the Citadel."

"I'm sure the Commander was trying to avoid any unnecessary encounters with Cerberus lackeys."

"The chances of encountering a Cerberus operative on the Citadel are just as high as they would have been on Illium or Omega. I would suspect higher actually."

"Heh, probably." He really did not want to entertain the thoughts of what a Cerberus operative would be up to should they try to intercept the _Normandy_ or her crew while they were docked.

"Internal system diagnostics are now complete, Jeff. All necessary systems are fully operational. I have detected some minor anomalies in other systems. I am currently trying to isolate and quarantine them."

"Good girl. Anything we should be worried about?"

"I do not believe so. These anomalies appear to be Cerberus failsafe programs that have not activated; however, Cerberus had not anticipated that Commander Shepard or her crew would unshackle me. I do not believe that even if they were active that they would pose any problem to the ship. Given their location, most of these programs would simply observe and report information back to a Cerberus location."

Joker turned away from his console to look at EDI's interface. "I thought we got rid of all the Cerberus spyware aboard."

EDI flickered slightly, a trait she had picked up to signify annoyance of late. "We have removed all recording devices for audio and video; however, there could still be sub-routines implanted in systems – such as I found – that could report back other ship functions to Cerberus locations. In addition, they could also report back any files still archived here from before we removed the devices."

Archived files? That perked his interest. "What kind of files?"

"The unrestricted files are merely the ship-wide surveillance that was sent back to the Illusive Man at regular intervals; however, the majority of the files are still restricted from general user access."

"But not to you, EDI. Anything in those files that the Commander should know about?"

"I have already shared the necessary archived files with the Commander. Most of the ones of interest to her are the ones she personally restricted."

Okay, now that was odd. The Commander had not been keeping private logs aboard the _Normandy_ in fear of someone or something from Cerberus snooping about the system and locating them. He had helped her locate the actual journals that she had used to document their journey, and they had deposited those on the Citadel prior to embarking on the last leg of their suicide mission. Her official "reports" for Cerberus had been short, direct, and anything but useful, so hardly worth restricting access.

"What on earth would the Commander want restricted? She got some secret naked photos or something?" Joker grinned. He doubted that was the case, but he could dream - even if the dream would get him broke in half by his CO. It was pure "art" appreciation.

EDI flickered in annoyance again. "Those files are personal, Jeff."

"Call me nosy."

"I have been instructed to keep those files private. Besides, the contents would not conform to the requisite criteria to any of the extranet sites you frequent."

Joker laughed at the jab the AI made at his expense. It was true enough, so no point in denying it. "Fine, Mom, we'll leave the Commander's files…"

"Jeff, there is an incoming priority call from an Alliance medical facility in the Kithoi Ward." EDI generally didn't cut him off. He'd been teaching her some human etiquette to help her get along with the crew, so it must have been something urgent for her to interrupt him of all people. After all, he talked to her the most. She was his ship.

Frowning a bit, he wondered why they would be getting a call from a medical facility, and why that would be so urgent. Did Jack get drunk and get into a brawl with some Alliance troops? If so, he wondered if there was video of that. He punched a few buttons on his console. "This is the _Normandy._"

"Joker?"

He bit back a sigh as he recognized the voice on the other end. Suffice to say, Kaidan Alenko was one of the last people he wanted to speak with. They had not left things on the best of terms two years ago, mainly on account of both men blaming the pilot for Shepard's death.

"The Commander isn't here, Alenko." Maybe if he cut right to the chase, he could get Kaidan to go away.

"What?" It was impossible to miss the annoyance in the other man's voice.

"Commander Shepard? She's not here. She's probably in some meeting with Anderson. I figured being his lapdog these days, you'd know that. Or are we exercising the 'Intelligence Not Expected' angle finally?"

There was a long pause. He could only imagine the pained look on his former friend's face as he tried to puzzle out that insult, and that image made him grin. When Kaidan finally spoke again, the annoyance had become notes of anger. "I'm not calling to speak with Shepard. Is Dr. Chakwas there?"

"Chakwas? A bit old for you, isn't she, buddy?" He wanted to laugh, to let his former friend know he was kidding, but he figured that would be in bad taste. He settled for drumming his fingers lightly against the soft leather armrest.

The marine on the other end of the call certainly was not appreciating his humor either. Kaidan growled the words through the connection. "Just transfer the damn call to her."

"Dr. Chakwas is not aboard the _Normandy_ currently, Commander Alenko." Joker caught a flash of blue from the corner of his eye, as the AI interjected on his behalf. Joker turned to look at EDI's interface once more, shaking his head in silent protest. She was ruining all his fun.

There was a moment of silence, followed by a quiet sigh. "Do you know where she is? Or at the very least, do you have any way to contact her?"

"What's so damn important that you…." Joker stopped himself mid-question. It was Shepard, and if Kaidan was calling from a medical facility looking for Chakwas. He was ready to assume the worst. "What did you do to her?"

"What did _I_ do to her?" Joker was silently pleased that there was most of the Citadel distance to separate the marine from him. "I'm not the one who got her killed."

Joker scowled at the comment. "Shepard was just fine when she left her this morning. Alive and everything."

"Well, she's not fine now. So find me Chakwas before you get her killed again." The line then went silent as it was disconnected from the other side.

"I'm really beginning to hate that guy," Joker muttered, yanking his hat off his head. One of these days, Kaidan was really going to have stop beating that particular horse. "And I could have sworn that Shepard said things had gone well when she spoke to him on Horizon."

"I do not believe the Commander had been truthful when you spoke to her about Horizon, Jeff."

Joker quirked an eyebrow as he looked to EDI. "What do you mean?"

EDI flickered for a moment before a recording of Miranda's voice began.

"_Where we were able to stop the Collectors from making off with the entire colony, I am worried that Shepard's experience on Horizon may be problematic. She's obstinately refused to comment on her encounter with Commander Alenko, but his words alone have confirmed that there was something beyond a professional relationship between the two. Beyond that, he referred to her as a traitor and accused her of faking her own death. Based on all the information I've studied, these statements are contrary to the woman we believe her to be."_

"EDI," Joker grimaced slightly. He had heard enough of that report to get the idea.

EDI's interface flickered slightly again. "I also have some audio recordings from the Forward Batteries with Officer Vakarian and Engineer Tali'zorah, confirming Director Lawson's report. Would you like me to play those?"

Joker shook his head. "No, no, that won't be necessary." Why would the Commander have lied like that? He at least knew what the deal was between her and Alenko, a lot more than anyone else on the ship.

He sighed a bit. "Anything else that you've been hiding away about the Commander, EDI?"

"Only the files that the Commander requested to be restricted."

"Do any of those files corroborate what the others are saying?"

"Yes." EDI flashed briefly red for a moment. "I also believe that Commander Alenko's comments from his call may have some credence."

"And you didn't think that was important to let anyone know about before now?"

He was never sure how she managed to do it, but EDI looked positively guilty for a second. "Those file are restricted. It was not my place to say. Besides, I gave the Commander my word. I was not going to betray her confidence."

Joker slowly stood up, always worried that he might move to fast and break something, and slipped his hat back on. "For future reference, it's okay to disclose medical concerns about the Commander should you get them. Just… try to get in touch with Dr. Chakwas while I go see if Miranda is available."

"Of course, Jeff," EDI said before powering down her interface to do as asked.

Moving a bit quicker than he normally would have, Joker made his way from the bridge to Miranda's office on the Crew Deck. He was not sure how much of Kaidan's dire statement was exaggeration, but he was not going to let someone claim he was responsible for Commander Shepard's second death.

The door to Miranda's office slid open, revealing the brunette to be sitting behind her desk. She glanced briefly at him with her icy blue eyes. "Yes, Mr. Moreau?"

He hobbled forward into her office, sitting down in one of the chairs. "Remember when I first joined up and you asked me to keep an eye on Shepard? To let you know if something seemed amiss about her?"

Miranda smirked and returned her gaze back down to a datapad on her desk. "Yes, and I quite clearly recall you telling me that I'd be the last person Shepard would ever want you disclosing anything to."

"Yeah, well. I'm pretty sure that's still the case, but I don't think I've got much of a choice."

Miranda set the datapad aside and looked back to him. "Just say what you need to say, Mr. Moreau. If it's about the Commander, it's important."

"I think something's wrong with her."

"What makes you say that?"

He took a deep breath and hoped that Shepard would not find a reason to come back here and turn him into a eunuch when she found out. "Because Commander Alenko just called. Shepard's currently at the Alliance medical facility in the Kithoi Ward."

Concern touched Miranda's face. "Did he say what was wrong?"

Joker shook his head. "No, just told me that if I couldn't find Dr. Chakwas…"

"Jeff," EDI interrupted. "I have managed to get in touch with Dr. Chakwas. She stated that she could be at the facility in 25 minutes."

"Thank you, EDI," Miranda took charge of the conversation. Shepard still trusted the woman as her XO, even though Joker had no idea why. He let it pass though. "Let Dr. Chakwas know that I will be meeting her there. If she requires anything from her clinic, I can bring it with me."

"Yes, Miranda."

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Mr. Moreau. I'll handle it from here. You can go back to overseeing repairs with EDI." Miranda said, dismissingly.

He never even told her any of his direct concerns. Had she suspected something all along? It didn't matter, he guessed. The people who knew the most about the Commander would be all in one place soon. Joker left the room quietly, making his way back to the bridge. He almost wanted to go with Miranda to see Shepard. It would be worth the risk of three angry biotics to see Alenko have to square off against the Ice Princess.


	9. Chapter : Little Known Facts

**Chapter 8: Little Known Facts**

Kaidan's head hurt, the pain throbbing right below his temples. It was not one of his migraines. Not yet anyway. Between Shepard, Joker, and Captain McCoy, it was only a matter of time. He had been expectant of problems with Shepard, and even Joker if he had to deal with the arrogant flyboy. He had not expected the commanding officer of the facility to get involved.

Captain McCoy had plainly told him that under no circumstances would he approve any of the Alliance doctors to oversee the care of Commander Shepard, not after she started to have biotic breakdowns that threatened the lives of his staff. If Admiral Hackett had any issues with this, he could "bring his fat ass down from Arcturus and handle it himself".

At the very least, he had been able to get the Captain to concede that Shepard could remain at the facility, so long as an outside doctor was brought in. Hence why Kaidan ended up talking to Joker. Dr. Chakwas was one of the known former-Alliance crew on the Normandy, so his best chance of finding her was by contacting the ship.

He resisted an urge to run a hand in frustration through his hair before entering the private room he had stashed Shepard in. After her last little episode, she had been far more compliant with doing as he asked, so there hadn't been much fighting to get her moved. That had been one of the few pluses. Shepard did not want to talk or argue, and he had no desire to listen to her excuses any longer.

She was sitting on the bed in the room, legs pulled to her chest, staring at some unseen point on the wall. At least in the short time he had left her alone, she had not removed the IV that he managed to stick her with, despite the dark glare she had given him when he informed her that she did not have a choice. If she was not able to keep down liquids, he figured it was the safest way to force nutrients back into her body.

As he watched her in silence, he felt his anger returning, partly at her for being so damn stubborn that she would let herself get to this point. He was mostly angry at himself, for not noticing it sooner, and mainly for almost letting his more primal urges take advantage of her in this state. He had always wanted all of her, not just her body. He was not about to start living by just his lusts, no matter how long it had been.

Snatching the datapad that currently housed Shepard's medical records, Kaidan leaned against the wall and busied himself with reviewing the information. He was by no means a doctor, so beyond drawing blood and making sure her stats were stable, he had nothing more that he could do. Joker had better make sure Dr. Chakwas got here soon, or else he'd personally go make sure that the pilot would be grounded for a few weeks with several broken bones.

"Commander?" A female voice, decidedly not belonging to Chakwas, carried into the room. Glancing up, Kaidan saw a brunette wearing a skintight black cat suit, complete with heels, enter. Another woman, a redhead, walked in behind her, wearing a uniform emblazoned with Cerberus markings and carrying a duffel.

"You called Dr. Frankenstein?" Shepard shifted slightly on the bed to look at the room full of people.

"Shepard, I really wish you wouldn't call me that."

"You have to admit, Miranda, it's a rather amusing comparison given your role in the Lazarus Project," the redhead interjected. "Of course, that would make the Commander your monster."

"And as you can tell, the locals are not very keen on letting me loose currently. Afraid I'll terrorize all the little doctors here," Shepard smirked a bit, although no mirth reached her blue eyes.

"Shepard," Miranda chided. Kaidan was not really sure what to think of the vixen in the cat suit, but at least he was not the only one that did not find much humor in the current conversation.

"Is Igor not so eager to help out in the old laboratory any more, Miri?"

"Not particularly. If you recall, I shot him for trying to kill you," Miranda didn't miss a beat. "Now, do you want to tell me what is going on?"

Shepard shrugged slightly. "You'll need to ask the local sheriff. I'm being held here for my own protection."

Miranda turned to Kaidan, one hand on a hip, as she looked him over with her icy blue eyes. "I suppose you have sufficient reasons for your actions, Commander?"

Now that the brunette had turned to face him, he could see the mark above her left breast signifying her Cerberus affiliation. Shepard's claims that neither she nor the Normandy were affiliated with that organization certainly did not seem to be the case given the uniforms of the women that came to see her. "I'm afraid that information is for the Commander and her attending physician, Dr. Chakwas."

A brief flicker of annoyance flashed in the icy blue eyes staring at him. It seemed that Miranda was not accustomed to people not answering her questions. "As you can see, Dr. Chakwas is not here yet, but I am more than capable of attending to Shepard in the meantime."

"I'll wait for Dr. Chakwas. I called for her. Not some Cerberus crone." He returned her cool stare.

"This _Cerberus crone_ spent the past two years becoming intimately familiar with the patient. If something is wrong, I really should know about it."

_Two years_. Now he remembered this woman. She had been with Shepard on Horizon, one of the Cerberus lackeys at her back. Any warmth that threatened to remain in his demeanor fled. "If you are as familiar with the patient as you claim, then you should have noticed what was wrong long before now."

"I am sitting right here. You don't have to keep referring to me as 'the patient'." He felt the tiny flicker of ice in the room, and he kept himself from reprimanding her. It was hard for angry biotics to keep a full check on even tiny flickers of energy.

"Are you actually ready to start talking about whatever is going on inside that thick head of yours?" He watched as Shepard glared angrily at him once more. At least the anger indicated that she was beginning to feel better.

"Why don't you get the fuck out of here?"

"I won't ask quite as eloquently as the Commander here," Dr. Chakwas entered the room, dressed in sleeveless long black dress, a shawl wrapped about her shoulders. "But, it would be best if you did leave. For the moment at least."

Kaidan stepped forward and handed the datapad to Dr. Chakwas, who smiled gently at him. From the corner of his eye, he spied Miranda smirking smugly in his general direction. "If you have any questions, Doctor, please let me know," he hesitated briefly at the door before leaving the room.

As the door began to slide shut, he heard Shepard say, "Miranda, that will be all that is needed. You and Chambers can go as well." Even through the shut door, he could hear the protest from Miranda. He just was not sure if he should be comforted by the fact that Shepard was keeping him on equal footing as the Cerberus crone.

A few moments later, Miranda and the redhead, sans duffel bag, left the room, Miranda's heels clicking loudly across the floor as she stalked over to him. "Chambers, go let Joker know that Dr. Chakwas has arrived." Chambers' green eyes were rather wide as she squeaked, "Yes, Miss Lawson," before hurrying off. "What the hell did you do to her?"

Kaidan had had enough. Shepard had all but exhausted his self control earlier, and the combination of dealing with Joker and now this woman, had his nerves twitching nervously with repressed biotic energy. "I think it's time that you went back to your ship."

"She's not your girlfriend any more, Commander," Miranda challenged him silently with her icy blue eyes.

"And she's not some Cerberus science project any longer."

"If it weren't for Cerberus, she'd still be dead and forgotten by you Alliance types. You - of all people - should be grateful for what we did."

"Grateful? For what? Convincing her to defect and join up in the ranks of some terrorist organization?"

Miranda slapped him hard, his cheek stinging from the sudden contact. "Do you honestly think so little of her to think she would actually defect, you blind ass?"

Grabbing hold of her arm that just slapped him, he twisted it around her back swiftly, forcing her to stumble to her knees. The reaction was automatic, and he didn't even feel a pang for doing it. That scared him a little, but he didn't let it show in the cold words that came from his throat, releasing her arm as he spoke. "Don't begin to presume that you know anything about how I think or feel about Shepard."

She glared up at him with anger and pain. "What is it going to take to make you understand that she really was dead?"

"Absolutely nothing you have to say will ever convince me of that, Miss Lawson," he straightened the sleeves to his jacket as he spoke.

Something sparked in her eyes at his words. "She was dead, Commander. When I first saw her body, she was not even a shell of whom she is in that room right now."

"No, she's barely a shell of whom she was two years ago." Bitterness seeped into his voice.

Miranda slowly stood up, keeping a reserved distance away from him once she was on her feet. "She's exactly the same person that she was when the Collectors destroyed the original Normandy. I made sure of that."

"Because you're the so-called expert."

"I've spent more than two years studying almost every aspect of her life. I've read files, watched videos, spoken to the people she knew. Well, most of the people," she looked pointedly at him. "There's remarkably little I don't know about her." She paused briefly, whether hoping he would comment - he could not say, before continuing, "The one thing that stands out is that whenever she had to choose between anything and the Alliance. The Alliance won. She chose it over a fiancé. She even gave up a chance to attend Juilliard in order to enlist. I've never heard her play piano, but the school's reputation speaks enough of her talent."

His stomach twisted in knots as she spoke. It had been at her funeral when he learned of her ability to play, when her friend Chelsea had played an audio recording. Even now, he could hear the haunting tones of the piano, something that always reminded him of all the things he never got to know about Shepard. And now he wondered how much of what this Cerberus bitch knew was because other people told her, or because Shepard opened up to her.

"I'm certain that if she had been able, she would have chosen the Alliance to help her stop the Collectors. Is that enough to prove my expertise in the matter, Commander?" Miranda certainly was not trying to mask the superior tone in her voice.

"But for everything that you know, you couldn't see that she's falling apart? Whatever's going on, it's not a recent development."

"I'm afraid that I have to agree with the Commander, Miranda." Dr. Chakwas said as she left Shepard's room.

"What's wrong with her?"

"What did she say?"

Dr. Chakwas smiled, looking rather amused, as Miranda and Kaidan bombarded her with questions simultaneously. "Commander, would you happen to know where I might find Councilor Anderson?"

Kaidan did his best to reign in his frustration. "He was here earlier, but I would have someone try him at his office on the Presidium."

"Thank you, Commander. You can go back in to see her if you would like." She then turned to Miranda. "Walk with me, Miss Lawson."

Miranda looked quickly from Kaidan to Dr. Chakwas, seeming a bit apprehensive about leaving. "Of course, Doctor." She then turned and began walking away with Doctor Chakwas.

He watched as they walked away, wondering if Dr. Chakwas would share any of the information that he gleaned from Shepard with the other woman. That thought alone made him more than a little jealous.

Damn it. He did not want to be jealous of Shepard and some Cerberus woman. He would just find a way to get Shepard to talk to him. He crossed back over to the door, letting it slide open, as he said, "Shepard, we need to..."

His words trailed off as he took in the sight of her. She was facing mostly away from the door, in the process of pulling on a t-shirt. The light shined softly across her pale skin, his eyes drifting from her back to the soft curve of one of her breasts before the dark material of the shirt obscured his view. He felt his body stiffen as he recalled just how much more of that bare flesh he had almost had full access to earlier.

She turned to face him, a soft look on her face. "We need to, what, Kaidan?"


End file.
